Sunday, December 31, 2017


Been feeling lately that slavery is still quite common, it's just obfuscated, make em feel free. I am a slave in this system, never to taste the world of the master. Honestly, better to be amongst you other slaves, I don't want to be a rich douche. Though I do yearn for recognition and to be important often, I am not sure that would be best.

Something I Learned From "The New Yorker"

I mean, the magazine does babble a bit, but that's ok, who doesn't enjoy escape literature? But something that stuck in my head was something that was written about the Bernie Sanders campaign, that he changed the debate in politics, and that is still a major contribution even though he didn't end up getting the ticket and we wound up with a proto-fascist president of the United States.

I just hope it's enough to prevent a humanitarian disaster, the so-called alt-right has me frightened. As I've written before, the thing in Germany, the Hitler thing, happened so ridiculously quickly.

Friday, December 29, 2017


I dunno, I consider myself a communist of sorts, I believe in a post-capitalist society, but maybe I should just label myself as a progressive. I don't need all the negativity that is associated with the term communism. What do you think?

Inspiration From Those Around You

My biggest inspiration to become an artist and activist has been my father. I always loved his work as a musician and we would talk about politics when I was a teen, we still continue to talk about politics to this day. Photography was always present when I was growing up, one of my grandfathers and two of my uncles had fancy semi-pro cameras and would document family life. I got my first camera from my uncle Helmut and auntie Ilse when I was a teenager and I had great fun with it, it was still the film era so I had to be more picky about what I would photograph not being able to buy and develop film at will. I got my first digital from my stepdad, it was one of those floppy disk-based sonys, that's when I started shooting a lot, something I really love about digital. When I was a young adult I raided as many photo albums as I could from my family and scanned everything, it was so rewarding to have pictures from the past available on my computer, I wanted to provide some of that to myself and others. A pivotal moment in my hobby photography phase (professionally I wanted to be a lawyer/politican before I got diagnosed with schizophrenia) was when I got a chance to take a picture of the Emperor of Japan when he was visiting Vienna, he posed for the camera armed crowd and I got a shot that I am happy I got the chance to take, but it was a point and click digital with no zoom so later on I would bemoan that I couldn't get a close up with a better camera, but oh well, still quite the privelege. When flickr became available I started to want to go pro and started posting my shots I had been collecting privately until then. I really enjoyed photoshop, it was a good way at first to compensate for shots that were early and less refined and make them more interesting, I personally don't think high photomanipulation makes a photograph less of a photograph, just likes special effects don't make a movie less of a movie. And my picture of Akihito I have posted is severely photoshopped. My friend Christopher Munroe inspired me to pursue writing more seriously when I started reading his flash fiction he posted on his blog, I couldn't get enough, it was so easy to read and was often very amusing. I had been blogging thought-streams off on until then. I have never really taken much inspiration from the greats until I started recently taking online photography courses, and one of the instructors (Joel Sartore), a national geographic photographer, started talking about iconic and interesting shots, I obviously already had a concept of this since my most prized shot was of Emperor Akihito, but he really reinforced that professional concept of showing the people what they want, and now I am even more on the lookout for opportunities to take shots like that to buff my portfolio. I do have muses, and they have been the women I have been in relationships with, when I am in a relationship with a woman I am more creatively active and inspired to seek recognition. My mother and sister inspire me to take good care of myself and not be hard on myself.

All in all, I find living in an environment full of creative people has been a great experience.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Quoted From Jacobin

"The effects of this on working-class consciousness and democratic capacities was chillingly captured by what a leader of a local trade union committee at the Volga Automobile plant expressed in 1990, just before the USSR collapsed: “Insofar as workers were backward and underdeveloped, this is because there has in fact been no real political education since 1924. The workers were made fools of by the party.” The words here need to be taken literally: the workers were not merely fooled, but made into fools; their democratic capacity was undermined. The Russian Revolution yielded not so much a “deformed workers’ state” in the authoritarian Communist regimes as a deformed working class. There is indeed a lesson here. If the revolution party, after a long and active process of class formation, proves incapable of effecting a state transformation that in fact yields a “maximization of democracy,” the effect of this will be class deformation."

Really liked this part of the article.

Here's a Link to the full article.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Wonder Woman

Great flick! I loved the massive all woman scenes at the beginning, it's something that had to be done in film, it was new and welcome. Wonder Woman is perhaps a bit more naive than I would have liked, but it was charming. Ok, so I have stated in this blog that when it comes to world war I I think both sides were equally bad, so I go with my fatherland, this movie displays the Germans as evil just like nazis which was I found a bit offensive since all European powers were filthy colonial powers. In fact, I take it back, I was just being a bit patriotic because I am homesick, fuck both sides!

Blade Runner 2049

I also love the new Blade Runner 2049, I would find it hard to chose between the new one and old one, but if I had to I would pick the new one because it added the element of A.I. slavery. My favorite episode of Star Trek : The Next Generation is "The measure of a man", which deals with A.I. slavery. It has a different feel than the first one which keeps things fresh, though still familiar cyberpunk noir stuff, it still has new colours and emotions to invoke. The Atari logo scene made my nerdbrain orgasm, because, poor Atari.

It is not for everyone, but if you love cyberpunk noir, it is a must see. Also if you can handle dark toned movies that aren't meant to make you feel good and are thought provoking. Once again, best not watched alone in a dark room after midnight, you will probably get sad, make it a party.

As far as the sci-fi goes, it doesn't offer anything new, but as one of my friends says, you have to go to sci-fi literature for the cutting edge in sci-fi, the movies and TV lag behind. But as a movie it is the cutting edge.

Thursday, November 30, 2017


I ended up publishing my book on wattpad for exposure. Maybe something will come of it. Here's the link.

This is not a Masterpiece

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

A Bit About My Family

My wife Tammy is an educational assistant in Calgary and was born in Calgary as well. She is a full-time student too, she wants to get a job as a teacher after she finishes her education perhaps. She also tutors and works at a Leisure centre with children on the weekends during schooltime. Overall I think she works too hard, but she has to, or there wouldn't be enough money for the three of us.

My stepson Asher is in jr. high school and loves gaming, he also loves Star Wars and the youtubeverse. He was born in Calgary.

My mother Susanne is also an educational assistant in Calgary and was born in Vienna and grew up there and came to Canada when she was eighteen, I spent some time growing up with her as a single mom in Vienna after she separated again from my Dad, she sings in a local Austrian choir.

My father Karl is a professional musician, he plays Jazz, does vocals and violin. He was born in Calgary and has spent most of his life here, he has been hanging out in British Colombia for the last couple of years though. He was adopted, and all I know about his blood parents is that they were German.

My stepfather Andreas is currently manager at the Austrian club in Calgary and was born in Vienna. He did his service in the Austrian military as an MP as a young man, as they still have conscription in place there.

My little sister Nicole is currently a personal trainer, but she does illustrations, sketches, and paints. She was born in Calgary and grew up in Vienna as well as in Calgary and it's area. She holds dual citizenship for Austria and Canada unlike me, I only have Canadian citizenship.

My little half-brother Andrew from my mother's second marriage is in high-school right now and was born in Calgary.

All four of my grandparents have passed away, I was closest with my grandmother on my mother's side, I lived with her for nine months in 2002 before experiencing my first psychotic symptoms, after the first psychotic break in Vienna whilst living with her I came back to Canada and sought medical attention. I had planned to settle down in Vienna and had the appropriate visa and so on, but I suppose it wasn't meant to be.

My family tree on my mother's side all winds up in Germany by the 19th century and my uncles have been mapping the tree on Obviously, since my father is adopted I don't know anything about that side, but my grandparents on his side, the ones who adopted him, were European immigrants to Canada, grandma from Russia and grandpa from the Ukraine.

There is more to tell, but I think that's it for now.

Monday, October 30, 2017

I Wish I Were A Better Person

I've been feeling useless, I still sleep too much and don't help Tammy enough, I've been trying to change that, but I just feel like one more person she has to care for.

I wonder if she will leave me because I am just another lump of flesh lazy good for nothing man. I wish I were more energetic, caffeine doesn't really seem to give me any more energy. I hope I can maybe make some money with my book, that way I can contribute financially at least since things are usually financially tight around here, but that seems unlikely, I will remain a nobody artist. I do feel like I should try and get a job, but my wife doesn't think it's necessary. I feel it might help with my self-worth too, even though in the past I didn't really like the kinda minimum wage jobs I could get, though that might be different now since I won't just be paying my way for myself. I have been feeling suicidal some nights, I haven't told anyone yet, I confess it to you my blog for the first time.

I wish I didn't hate cleaning so much, I could clean up the place a bit. In fact, I am gonna go and empty the bathroom trash now.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

The American Holocaust

It's amazing how little time is spent doing anything about this. The natives should have their own nations back, and I'd prefer to live in a nation named properly after the native nations that existed here before us. I feel like a filthy murdering invader knowing that this population still suffers, I should fuck off to Europe.

If they would have me as a guest if we can save their heritage I would be happy, it's not easy fucking off to Europe being poor. But I was never consulted if it's ok to take up residence on stolen land, I just got born here and am stuck here. Maybe I can help, maybe I'm just a self-righteous know it all. But this is really disgusting, I live on a god damned graveyard you filthy murderers! I don't want to be human anymore, I am declaring myself an E.T.. That should be in my passport instead of eye colour, race: E.T..


My wife sent me a link to a cool course at the UBC about reconciliation.
I found this website amongst many

Star Trek Generations

I actually guiltily love this film, it's TNG on steroids, and unlike the other TNG films, it still retains the ship from the series and the uniforms. Why does that matter? Well, it only matters if you grew up on TNG, it was cool to have it on the big screen with that cinematic feel. And the Enterprise-D is ILM beautiful now. I even admit that I like Data's emotion chip freak-out scenes, it was such a magnificent performance. Can I recommend it to an average moviegoer? No. It is a fan pandering film, a certain kind of fan anyways. But as a TNG Trekkie, if you liked the feel of the series and didn't like the changes for the film that is understandable.

This is one of the reasons why I feel guilty about liking it, so many inside reasons that I like it, nothing really universal besides the eyecandy and great acting (again with the eyecandy!). Also, I have friends who think it's trash.

Blade Runner (Director's Cut)

I love love love this movie, but I can see how it is not a universally appealing movie, you have to like dark visuals over dialogue and action, it's a slow beautiful movie. But like my Dad says, it's not really a movie to watch alone in the dark, it will affect your mood negatively. You gotta make a party of it, also like every other film douche I think the theatrical cut is inferior, don't bother. The story is awesome sci-fi; Philip K Dick who is surprised? It isn't a future I would want to live in forever, but it would be awesome for a short amount of time just to admire and eat ramen in a neon cyberpunk street, this movie is pretty much the anti-star trek, the future as a garbage place to live with cool flying cars and arcologies and not enough sunlight.

Mind you Star Trek does dark now too due to Star Trek Discovery. Happy Picard Day Motherfuckers!

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Ghost in The Shell

I watched this movie several times already, so saying I hate it would be a lie, but after the awe of eye-candy (I love eycandy, and if you love cyberpunk eyecandy I think you would really enjoy this film) I did understand the criticism that it was a bit slow and boring. This movie is like heroin for me, I am always trying to experience the first high when I throw it on, but it never does the same after repeated viewings. Mind you the 90s anime film of the same name is one of my all time favourite films and I have watched well over a dozen times, and I hear that lots of fans of that film hated this one, so considering the original is also paced slow I can't bring myself to really go on about it, mind you I found the 90s film to be more interesting as science-fiction. I would have preferred an all Japanese cast too, but I don't feel that strongly about it that I let it ruin the film for me, but shame on the creators for doing that!

Watch it on a hallucinogen, it's like the Fantasia of cyberpunk.

Your Name

Even though the director wasn't happy with this movie I thought it was quite cute, but not quite as magical as Miyazaki's big names, but it still had a magical element which drew me in. It was also more of a romance, which I am not always in the mood for, but if you are feeling like watching a romance I recommend giving it a spin, I was in a romantic mood when I watched it luckily. The style was more like what pop anime of this era look like and I prefer the studio Ghibli look, but I don't feel too strongly about it. I am definitely looking forward to more films from Makoto Shinkai.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Book Progress

I have so far submitted my manuscript to eight publishers and have heard back from one (it was a rejection). I am hoping someone picks it up, if I can't find a publisher I will self-publish eventually, but some of these publishers take months to respond, so, for now, it's the waiting game.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

The Reason I Am So Open About My Condition

I was told that I shouldn't label myself as "schizophrenic" by a friend because all my bios online include that. The reason I do it though is that I feel I can help reduce stigma and give a face to something that still has a mystique (often a negative one) in pop-culture.

Though as I have mentioned there is also the fact that I can gain from this mystique. Gotta look out for myself you know?

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

University Of Calgary

I got accepted as an undergrad at the U of C majoring in Political Science, I hope I can get a degree out of it, maybe even a PhD. I am excited for September, I hope it won't be a fruitless endeavour, though learning new things in itself is valuable so it won't be wasted time even if I am not mentally competent enough to earn a degree or more.

It is a bit discouraging to be thirty-five going into studies for a bachelor, I wanted to have my bachelor in political science by my early or mid-twenties originally, but my disability and finances interfered. Still, it's nice to at least have hope that I can still have professional success in academia since politics means so much to me and I want to help make the world a better place for everyone to live in.

My Wedding

It was a nice ceremony, with a few friends and family. I got married on the 23rd of July 2017. So far it's been good, I hope it will be an enduring relationship, I feel like I can help in raise Asher and provide support to Tammy, eventhough I have a disability and am poor by Canadian standards.

I like marriage, I am agnostic, so I just think it's cool to show commitment to a relationship, I don't really get much into the spirituality of it.

Having Children

I have been lately been desiring to have my own children more and more, I know I have said in the past that I am against it, but I really want to be a father now. I can change my mind I feel. I have discussed it with my wife and we agreed that we don't have enough money to properly raise a child, so it's not happening for now. I am surprised at the urge that has been in my thoughts lately though, I am a bit of a slave to my animal instincts I suppose.

I have been enjoying being a stepfather, I like it when Asher comes to do stuff with me, though he is usually in his room on his console. It is a good feeling to help, being a single mom is difficult, and my mom was a single mom for many years and I am grateful. So I have started playing the lottery, so I can procreate if we win. You think one could kickstart this, name the child after the highest donor as a reward? I dunno, it's kinda weird, but I am not dismissing the thought entirely, also I kinda doubt it would work.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Again With The VLOG, I Changed My Mind, The Last Entry Wasn't The Last

I have decided to start blogging again, I don't like the VLOG anymore, I am noticing that my delivery is very stiff and wooden, I haven't taken any acting lessons ok? I'll probably film a last episode concluding it, I find I prefer to write than perform, it wasn't so appealing to film after the novelty wore off, also I didn't go viral like I had hoped, lol.

What's new?

I am planning to get married on the 23rd of July. Here's to a new life! I quite enjoy my fiance's company, I think it will be a good partnership, I wish she didn't have to work so hard though, I feel kinda useless just "working" on my art and earning nothing, working in quotation marks because I earn nothing and it's not like any of my day jobs, because I enjoy my work.

I still haven't started my proposed photography project that I mentioned earlier, not sure when I will do that yet.

My manuscript is being edited and I am not yet sure how I am going to go about publishing it, details to follow.

I have been despairing that so many people aren't like-minded and there are so many, sorry to be insulting, "political primitives" roaming about getting the "Fly Weight Hitlers" elected. At least the French election didn't turn out disastrous like the American one, but still, another neo-liberal douche.

I am still waiting to hear back from the University of Calgary on whether I got accepted to start on getting a bachelor of arts with a major in political science in the fall, I am hoping I get accepted, I have wanted to get a degree in poli-sci since I was a teen, and I am still very passionate about politics and have enjoyed all my classes so far, I don't know if I would make such a good scientist though, I am a bit too emotional about my political beliefs, which isn't terribly scientific of me. I wonder again if I will make it, and maybe even get my PhD in poli-sci one day, I have my doubts my mind is capable of pulling that off though. It would be so cool to be a scientist though, it's one of my childhood ambitions, I got into art when I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and felt that I couldn't achieve my dreams, and obviously take advantage of the romanticism surrounding madmen, but I have come to love my art in the meantime and it is fun to do, but when I was a child my goal was never to become an artist I must admit.

I wish more people interacted with comments, I have tweeted some famous people with no luck, not surprising considering the volume, but still, it would make my day. I see all these thousands of comments and wish people would interact with me more, I made a friend on DeviantART though, he lives in Calgary too and likes my photography, so even if it isn't millions of fans, it is nice to be appreciated and have a new fan. I really wish I could have more discussions on this blog or on youtube, I am pouring out my heart and mind and kinda wish I had a fan community, I am so jealous of the pros. I am probably cursed to remain obsure, I have to learn to take pride in being an obscure artist I suppose, there is the advantage that I can just do passion projects and not just cater to the wallets of the masses. Maybe my academic ambitions will be fulfilled, but that is also not certain yet.

Friday, June 2, 2017

More VLOG info

I have decided to do the VLOG instead of this blog, so this may be my final entry here.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

VLOG continued

So I am quite enjoying filming the vlog, I switched to english in the second episode, if you haven't checked it out, please do so.

Up to four episodes already, but they are all under two minutes.

Thursday, April 20, 2017


Started a VLOG on youtube, don't know if I will stick with it, but it's a fun project. I am speaking in German in the first episode. Check it out

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Democratic Communism

Why isn't this a thing? An advanced communist ideology with the benefits of the respect of human rights, especially freedom of speech? Also communism as a reform movement, not a violent revolution.

I should start my own party and write a manifesto, but that sounds like a lot of work.

I think after the Stalinist disaster, Communism needs a new branch to distinguish itself, both from the soviet horror and the rest of the original post-Lenin mess. A new manifesto would have to include the coming revolution in automation, which Marx of course didn't predict.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Upcoming Changes To My DeviantART Page

I am currently chronologically ordering my journal project and enhancing the resolution on some images so they can be sold through the DeviantART store in larger sizes (yes,yes I know the image quality isn't high enough, but some people just want big prints even with image distortion, like me, and some of those photos were from my sony floppy Cybershot, so the resolution is laughable).

So there will be a short period where none of the content will be available since I will be resubmitting my photos.

In Case You Are Wondering Where My Fiction On This Blog Went

I archived the posts on the server, I will continue writing fiction. I have a collection of currently over 16000 words and am wanting to add to it and publish it as a book/ebook when I feel it is long enough.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Photography Project

I had an idea for a photography project I can do, I want to ask Calgarian spiritual leaders about their thoughts about their religion and schizophrenia and get a photo of them with their attached thoughts.

I should get some nicer clothes.

Saturday, March 25, 2017


When I was a child I referred to the government seen debating on TV as a "Kasperltheater" (from the German puppet theatre). I think this was telling that I was already somewhat paranoid as a child, thinking that the government was just a show to amuse the masses while the agents of the status quo kept running the instruments of state. Taking this further, I still often find myself thinking that contemporary forms of democracy are largely an opiate to make people feel better about their role in the world while the bourgeoisie keep on doing the same things they have been doing since they started their tenure as rulers of society.

I wonder if this recent resurgence of the right and more nationally centred platforms is just another way to make a certain element of society placated. My evidence is that the world has been largely doing the same thing, despite war, that it has been doing since civilization began, also Pharaos conned the masses into believing they were gods, which is evidence that people are not really that intelligent on average.

Hate me for calling you stupid! I am the worst politician ever!

Monday, March 6, 2017


If I become financially successful enough with any of my endeavours, I want to open a photography studio. I want to take portraits of people. I really like good portraits and I would, in fact, be willing to pay a pretty penny to have good ones taken of me and my new family. Now I remember that I said I would also open an arcade in Calgary, my current plan would be to fund someone else to manage the arcade then, I would be the money, not the brains.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

The Post State World

I think patriotism is even too strong an emotion for one's fatherland/motherland, it's so outdated. I mean can't we just be like a global sports league and have teams that we cheer for, why does it have to be so noble to be a patriot, I think it is more important to love one's fellow humans around the planet than just one group.

I don't think culturally whitewashing everything would be great either, I love ethnic diversity as long as it doesn't infringe on human rights.

But shaming someone for not being patriotic or taking patriotism lightly should end. Don't you love your family and friends more than some abstract concept of nation that just serves to manipulate people?

And how has multiculturalism failed exactly? The local multicultural food scene is vibrant. Give it a chance. It's not like multiculturism means changing one's own culture in favor of another, many cultures live in Calgary and I feel like this should be normal. Perhaps its failure lies in the recent resurgence of far-right parties I admit.

That's it! I am going to mind control the world! They can't get along? I will make them!

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Nazi Victory

You know, if the stupid fucking people of the world are gonna elect proto-fascist dickheads and "our nation first" morons and descend into another world war then the axis alliance of the second world war might as well have won!

That way there would be more German food in Calgary!

Besides by now, the nazis would have probably changed into something different, a ruthless society probably can't sustain itself that long. Or they would have blown up the whole planet in another war if their alliances fell apart.

Wait, there is lot's of Japanese food in Calgary! Lucky Japanese people, people like their food more than ours. The Japanese occupation of the local cuisine scene is welcome by this angry Kraut! Long live the Japanese-German alliance!

Some angry Israeli should reply to this post by saying "You can stick your Bratwurst!" Preferably the PM of Israel, I could use the publicity!