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Showing posts from January, 2015

40k And Starship Troopers

Nazis without human racism and such, it's an interesting idea for sure.

If faced with Alien threats would we become some sort of Nazi society where the idea is to live to fight.

I wonder what kind of soldier I would have been if I had chosen that lifestyle, I just think killing other humans is bad karma and counterproductive. But the arachnids? I am a Trekkie so I hope that we could live in peace, but if faced with a ruthless enemy bent on our destruction I think I would choose to fight.

Even if they are Nazis, it's a nice idea that all of humanity could unite and put differences aside.

Though a democratic uniting would be ideal of course.

Once Beauty Fades

I wonder what kind of old person I will be?

I hope I won't be a grumpy old man, that would totally blow chunks.

I did live with my Grandma when I was a young man and enjoyed it, so I hope that is indicative of things to come.

Then again she always spoiled me with food and cleaned the place.

Ok, now I feel like an ass.

Humans Need Redesigning

Muahahaha.

I don't like them the way they are, I think some tinkering is in order.

Maybe it's good I suck at school and have no power huh?

I Am A Trekkie So...

I appreciate the art of masks I think. Having said that, a few actors lately look awfully familiar as of late. I am not dropping names. But it's freaking me out. It's people I know.

Ok, one name drop.

Ian McKellen looks like Patrick Stewart with a heavy mask. Funny seeing all those pictures of them hanging out on Facebook.

I know, I am obviously insane, I never denied that. Also, you could disagree with me on the Ian/Patrick thing.

The League Of Scientists

I just hope they rule the world and they don't hate.

Water

Where is all this clean water coming from? I feel like something bad is coming.

I wish I had a superior view of water infrastructure using a video game, because it needs to be explained.

Holocaust Denial

Ok, now I am just denying everything, I know it's a societal faux-pas of the nth degree to deny the Holocaust. But how can people be so fucking cruel. It's not just the Holocaust, I can't even believe war exists and machines of war.

Maybe people turn into zombies when they don't get fed. I am not trying to be smug, but I wouldn't know what that is like.

Nukes

Why do I keep thinking nukes are fake and a bluff?

Gah.

I needed those to commit civilizational seppuku.

I'm taking all you fuckers with me.

More About Freedom Of Speech And Expression

I guess common sense is needed, lest we wind up with a messy society.

Most people seem to understand this and behave themselves though.

Pilot Envy

Ok being a jet fighter pilot would be so awesome. I love watching stunts and maneuvers on YouTube.

I made some wrong career decisions when I was young.

I love just flying in passenger jets, the take-off is so fun.

If there is an afterlife where I can do whatever I want, I will definitely fly a jet fighter. The g-forces man, the g-forces!

Wait a second, whatever I want? Ok, that actually makes things too complicated, where to begin?

Tough

I like being tough, I keep on going despite all that assails me. I could adopt it as a creed for sure, I am damned tough, it makes me proud somehow.

I whine a bit in this blog, true. But overall I keep on going, I don't want to hurt those close to me by ending my life, so toughness it is.

I barely blub and I am living alone for two years now, I don't have that much hope that things will get better, so I keep my game face on and grin at death like a maniac.

I Am Jealous Of The Religious

Seriously, it would be nice to know for sure that there is a meaning to all of this and that life doesn't just end after a short time.

I wish I could experience that, it's like I am a mutant. I will continue to pray anyways hoping for revelation.

More About Mind Control

MKUltra is always in the back of my head, when I was a slave to my paranoia I often fancied that I went on missions under control of intelligence agencies.

Like I said, it is still in the back of my head a lot. It's not totally unreasonable to think that this kind of technology does exist, after all research on mind control has been done since the 1950s to my knowledge.

It once again made me feel relevant and important, now I am just a nut.

Being just a nut sucks.

The Creative Juices

This stupid medication, I am feeling a lot less creative on them. I used to enjoy writing and doing photography but now I just never think of anything to do, the motivation is gone.

I've turned into a media hermit, just watching shows and movies and reading most of the time.

I wonder if other people with schizophrenia feel like this on their meds, the paranoia helped bring a sense of importance to my work and so the show had to go on.

Now I am just critical of my works, they don't bring me as much joy as they did when I was skipping pills.

I want my life to have meaning and I am finding less of it as time goes on.

I think religion is a sign that there is mass psychosis rampant in the populace, their insane minds giving meaning to their lives as they toil endlessly for gods that do not show themselves or exist at all.

The world wouldn't work if we were all treated for psychosis though. Humanity would sleep it's existence away like me.

My New Keyboard

Playing the keyboard is helping calm down my thoughts, I can't really play anything yet, but I can still play some spontaneous compositions that are nice to my ear.

I wish I had found out about this before. But as the title says, it's new.

I like that I can doodle with it so easily, that would be more difficult with a different instrument I feel.

Thanks Dad.

I Hope This Still Makes Sense Later On

Right now I am thinking that the digital revolution was the catalyst for a social catastrophe. Amongst quite a few thoughts.

And see? That doesn't work if we have a bandwidth problem like I mentioned in an earlier post.

It's like any dumb idea that pops into my head is amazingly relevant, I have to struggle to maintain my zen.

If only alcohol and marijuana calmed me like they did when I was younger. Those don't even work anymore and according to my Psychiatrist only negate the meds.

Fluidic Paranoia

I am having a terrible night, my thoughts are not what they were in the morning. I was hoping to kill paranoia with sleep like I have been doing when this happens over the last two years, but I can't calm down enough to fall asleep.

Like I have described in one of my previous blogs it's notably wacky because the theories change and conflict with each other but seem very real at the time they happen and are very loud in my head.

Once the thoughts start repeatedly conflicting I start trying to dismiss them, but it is very difficult to blot out the noise.

I am lucky that I can at least identify it as a thought disorder, some are not so lucky and become slaves to their paranoia. That has happened to me in the past but not since I started with the injections.

The most dominant theme is that I am feeling increasingly watched or observed in some way. It's making me anxious so I can't sleep.

I Was An Extremely Jealous Boyfriend

I feel really bad about it, I wonder if my medication might affect this if I ever have another chance.

I actually dislike jealous asshole boyfriends.

I only have to put up with myself for a finite amount of time as far as I can tell. Though at least my base psychology isn't fucked up enough to really go for hating myself.

My New Religion Status On Facebook

I wrote into the field "Agnostic that prays anyways". I do pray to Norse gods. That makes me super weird I think, they aren't exactly popular anymore unless they are marvel comic book movie heroes.

I had "Asatru" on there for a few days because just having "Agnostic" was not entirely correct anymore. I was thinking of meeting up with some Asatru in Calgary but decided against it since I do agree with Bill Maher that all religions are dangerous and stupid. I don't want to offend all religious people with this, but it does draw lines between groups of people. Which is funny because Jesus, who I consider a great philosopher, wanted all people living in universal brother/sisterhood, then people draw lines using his name.

I guess a few prayers don't constitute being religious or spiritual so I feel exempt from being labelled as some sort of nut.

Faith is kind of nutty from a scientific view. Though I won't deny that it has spawned some good cod…

I Am Not In Telecommunications

We really have that much bandwidth? It's always been baffling to me. Then again I failed a network engineering course.

But my ignorance makes my internet access and smartphone seem like unlikely luxuries.

The Attacks In France

The attack on Charlie Hebdo and the other attacks are of course deplorable. I grew up with freedom of speech and expression being ingrained, and analyzing those as I get older I still agree with them.

I would argue that there is still a crusade going on, but we in the west nonetheless do business with places like Saudi Arabia.

There are people in the west saying that it serves Charlie Hebdo right for being insensitive to Muslim views and there is widespread support amongst Muslims for the attacks. I completely disagree with any justification, I do believe that the values we have are the right ones and not just a point of view.

But what to do to change the minds of these people? The monocultural behemoth seems like a good tool, I wonder if it will prevail in the long run. I don't like that as an answer since lot's of the monocultrual export is shallow and corporatist. But beyond just doing more militarily it seems like one of the most peaceful answers, so it has that going for …

Regarding A Previous Post About Defining Myself Using My Illness

I am a student again, so I can now say something else than just "I am disabled" when people ask.

I am kind of studying for the pursuit of knowledge without much of a final goal in place. Which helps since there is no guarantee of a degree since I am not historically a straight A student.

I would prefer if I wound up with some credentials though.

Been Having Paranoid/Pronoid Thoughts

It's not as omnipresent as when I have a breakdown, nor does it really affect my behavior so it shouldn't lead to hospitalization.

But still I have had these thoughts of being somehow special, having more power than I know about.

I also believe in a hidden order of governance, masked by a matrix of media obfuscation.

Age, as I mentioned in a previous blog that I deleted is also a factor, being in line with traditions that the elders have the say. I have been fancying the thought that there is an initiation when you reach a certain age.

But there is the negative stuff too, like I am some sort of international joke.

It definitely makes my thought process more interesting in any case, to be positive. I hate it when my mind goes blank, I really enjoy thinking.

I wouldn't want to take more drugs and totally numb my brain, I hope I can deal with all this.

I Wish Someone Would Offer Me A Huge Amount Of Money

And ask me to do something immoral to get it.

So I can turn them down.

There are different levels of immoral...

I could donate the money for a good cause I suppose, if it isn't too terrible.

I just really want to stick it to someone with too much wealth, I personally think there should be a wealth cap anyways.

With poverty still being a problem there shouldn't be people flaunting private jets and such things.

Weird Dream

I had the most intimidating dream ever, it dealt with gods, the afterlife, psychopaths, superhuman intelligence, supercomputers, industrial futuristic human mutilation for entertainment purposes, my sister being attacked by a psychopath with industrial tools, EMS being too slow to arrive and their line being busy, me heroically killing the psychopath and cutting his head off with a circle saw, cops with special fluids in diapers, me with special fluids in diapers, over coddling, a magical treehouse pirate ship, going down the highway in said pirate ship treehouse, smartphones, passports and things I'd rather not mention. When I woke up all I could think was that being a superior A.I. would be awful and had a new appreciation for the simplicity of my life.

I turned on the PC with the intention of washing away the flood of negative thoughts and was greeted by my wallpaper of a pink haired manga girl smiling and holding up a couple of cherries. This image made me appreciate using the…