Tuesday, December 15, 2015

My Paranoia Is Like Role-playing A Lot In My Head

Once I am this, once I am that, I change roles several times an hour. Other people in my life have various roles in my story as well.

It is a fun mind game to play, I am a dungeon master in my own personal RPG.

Edit: Ok, it isn't always fun, it can be one where the world is hostile towards me, I was just trying to be positive about my disorder.

I Sometimes Feel That We Won The Second World War

If you look at the results, the former Axis powers have a very high standard of living and when it comes to our current military interests, the United States provides the bulk of troops for operations, preventing our troops from coming in the line of fire as much by a huge factor.

We are also protected with nuclear weapons in the event of nuclear war, or needing deterrent, not having our own nuclear weapons, keeping any blood from our hands. It also makes us less of a target for hate.

And the fact that we don't have such a huge profile in terms of culture projection makes us again less of a target to people hating foreign cultural influence.

If only these recent military campaigns were successful in reducing hostile forces, it's a tragic waste of the people fighting for us.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Jawohl Mein Trump!

Ok, if he suggests putting all Muslims in the U.S. in camps next I will seriously loose my shit.

Banning all Muslims from immigrating is already way too far in Nazi territory. Actually people should be loosing their shit over this. I am tempted to go yelling like a lunatic in the town square, warning people of the fact that just because the Axis powers were defeated, doesn't mean we should not be ever vigilant.

I wish there were more of a point to all these anti-nazi movies in the sense of making people not support Nazis and people who share values with their more insane views.

I really enjoyed the new "The Man in the High Castle" show though. It has a scene where a Jewish prayer is being spoken while scenes from telephone surveillance by the Japanese are being shown. It felt subversive, considering all the surveillance done by the NSA, and the intelligence agencies of other countries currently being done on their own citizens.

Friday, November 20, 2015

The Truman Show

I do wonder if I live in a totalitarian state and am an experiment as to what humans will accept as values, if they are propagated through media and word of mouth. I also imagine that there are ways to record people without being noticeable through walls.

New 2017 Trek Series

I heard a few Trekkies talk about how we should divorce Star Trek from Gene and I disagree, I never find myself 1 to 1 in opinions with anyone really, but he had good ideas about how the world could and should be. I hope the new Trek series in 2017 is more about Gene's vision and not the action and action/comedy we have been getting in the films since Wrath of Khan. (I do like action films and shows, I just don't get as much out of them than with good trek episodes).

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Whilst Watching The Lego Movie

I was thinking my former friend Craig is an evil genius.

He used to brag about how good he was at making movies in 3d on computers, but it was never as good as the stuff the entertainment industry was pumping out, though he claimed he could do anything he saw on his computer. Maybe he was obfuscating his talent the whole time and left and made the Lego movie or was involved, he did like Lego after all.

Friday, October 23, 2015

System Drug Infilitrators

Man, my brain thinks up weird scenarios.

In the hidden layer that I often perceive to the world, I feel that there are government sponsored drug sniffers who are allowed to use gestapo-clown tactics in finding out V.I.P. young people's purity in regard to drug use.

The List

There should be readily accessible information on elected parties promises kept after being elected. A checklist you know?


Funny, a few hours after I posted this I found out that there is one in Canada now, it was front page news. trudeaumetre.ca

Monday, October 19, 2015

The World Is Ruled By...

A Hippie Nazi Scientist Illuminati, the elections are a lie!

I implore them to be more hippie and less Nazi!

It's Never Going To Happen, But

If I ever become seriously wealthy I am going to live on a normal developed world income and donate the rest to charity.

I urge people who are seriously wealthy to do the same.

Because they obviously read this blog.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Our Reality

I was having a discussion with my sister about how our world is so mundane considering the things we can imagine it to be. The magical things that could be are of breathtaking quality and depth.

But considering the strange unstable, sometimes disturbing worlds, I dream of, I do appreciate how stable and predictable, and I would say overall nice in my case, our world is. And we still have the ability to make it nicer for more people over time.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Election Opinion Polls Are Bad

Projections of how many votes a particular party is going to get often influences voters to vote according to who is likely to win as opposed to who they most agree with.

I think smaller parties might do better if the media didn't track who's sitting at what way ahead of election day.

They can even create voter apathy, in my case I have not voted in the past because it was projected that my candidates had no chance in hell, which is also partially due to the first past the post system used in Canada, though there is talk of getting rid of that system.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015


As someone who identifies as an Austrian-German, I have empathy for Americans when they are spit on. If this were around the 1930s and 40s there would be a lot of anti-German sentiment and I am sure there still is, but it's not as rampant as when it was deserved.

A lot of American policy deserves bashing these days, but I feel that the criticism affects parts of the population that are progressive and good.

Once again, I think that identifying as a human first is a way to escape group guilt when it comes to a nationality. We can all just agree that humans have good and bad capacities. One can only hope that our good natures triumph over our more base instincts.

#DasAuto Get It? :D

Why Does It Have To Be Nazis?

Considering how the world works, it seems it is generally ruled by "soft" Nazis. They don't impose as much nastiness, but the world is still some sort of neo-colonial mess.

And there is still a lot of Nazi style elitism in the elite.

Monday, October 5, 2015

They Took Our Jobs

I do wish global development in terms of positive increase of living standards were more covered and transparent.

I don't mind if we take a hit for the improvement of the lives of the wretched of the earth, as long as it doesn't turn our place into a hellhole. From what I've gathered lots of this development is just done if it's profitable, which is disappointing.

Besides, who wants to make the greedy corporate overlords look good in any way?

Edit: And it seems that in many cases it's just a developing nation's elite that reaps the rewards.


Bernie, oh please become President!

You can cut military spending and corporate subsidies and pay for social programs.

I don't live in the U.S.A.? So what? They are the most influential nation on earth, being concerned with what they do should be normal. Besides, I am a global federalist, I think that all human business is the matter of all of humanity's attention.

I wonder if there will be any powerful global federalist politicians in my lifetime? It's never been an issue outside of the intellectual/academic sphere in my lifetime at any notably visible level.

Fiscal Conservatism

Since when has this become the ideology of parties all over the political spectrum? I am not a news junkie, but it seems that the news is making sure that nobody in their right mind would even want to create any debt for any reason.

You people are insane.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Being A Child

I never really thought of where my entertainment and products came from when I was little, I was reading Garfield and was remembering how I never thought of it as American, I miss that.

I'll Vote For The NDP Anyways

The current Federal NDP isn't socialist enough for my tastes, I still like them, I would just be more extreme.

I suppose that's why I am not a campaign manager, you can't just do anything when you are looking for votes.

Feel The Bern

I really agree that our political culture of mud slinging is wrong. People should be able to disagree on something and not just shout at each other, but actually discuss it in a civilized manner.

And all the sensationalist news picking on issues that aren't at the heart of political problems being faced is so evil.

Please Someone Explain

Why is everyone in Canada so obsessed with balancing the budget?

I am probably naïve, but can't the government just make money to spend.

I really mean obsessed, because to a point I understand it, we don't want devaluation of the currency and hyper-inflation. But they always talk about it and they don't really explain why it's so important.

There are other important issues you know?

Besides, tax the shit out of the wealthy, balance the budget, problem solved.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Identitities As Power

I have been a bit down on geek culture, but on the other hand I think that it is better than national identity, geekiness can be global, which is awesome.

Also it's more inclusive than other identities, like being a scientist, a proletariat, of a political affiliation, of a religion, or others.

Fucking Gamergate assholes! We don't want you here, everybody should be able to geek! I want to clockwork orange Star Trek to them.

Previous Post

I was in a bad mood when I made that post, I don't usually feel like I am nobody and that I will never achieve anything, besides, my disability has interfered with my ambitions as I have mentioned somewhat.

I'll try to give myself more of a break, but I think most of us get into bad moods.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015


I feel like my life never came into focus. I want it to, I feel like I exist beside society, that I am not really a part of it.

The thing is, I really have no idea what to do about it. I just lack that makes people make something of themselves, I have ambitions, but I don't seem to follow through with them.

Being a drifter/dreamer kinda blows.

I really admire people that are somebody, even if it's just any worker that helps make life good.

Friday, September 18, 2015

I Have Some Patriotic Tendencies

I am upset that German speaking countries aren't contributing massive amounts of culture and pop-culture to the world, unlike the United States. It makes me jealous.

I suppose a lot of people in various cultures are in that boat though.

I feel that it is one of my strangely conservative traits. I also don't want to see our culture drowned and replaced. Though I have heralded mono-culture as an agent of peace and stability, I don't think all distinctness should be lost if possible. Now that computer translation is making huge advances, we might not even need a global language, something I have supported in the past.

I like peace better though, so it takes priority. I just want have my cake and eat it!

And then there is our dismal birthrate...

Get off my lawn!

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Rule Britannia

You know what? I feel sorry for the modern first world aristocracy, they are forced into a life of servitude to the state, I know they are well compensated for it, but isn't this a huge human rights violation?

I mean there is a lot of responsibility now for such leaders. It's not like the good old days, where being in the aristocracy was basically a free party. I know some of them party, but look at the headlines when that happens, being forced into public life seems awful to me.


The thing I miss most often about living in Vienna is the constant availability of the masses, in Calgary you have to wait for festivals to go to big crowds. Due to Vienna's comparatively mild winters you can even find crowds in the old inner city in that season.

It feels good to get lost in the crowds and just be a part of humanity in such an obvious manner.

There is also the market and food culture. Though Calgary isn't entirely lacking in this area, it is not quite the same.

It's weird to be a market snob, since the elite would never bother with the marketplace. :D

There are other things I miss, but I am not sure that would be so interesting to list.

The thing I would miss the most about Calgary at this point though is my family/social life.

My Current Paranoid/Pronoid Musings

In the back of my head I still have reoccurring unsubstantiated thoughts:

I often feel that I am somehow different than others that makes me a notable human.

I think that there is a very disciplined Illuminati controlling the world.

I feel that I am observed at all times.

I think that people making my entertainment are intimately aware of me.

I feel that humans are somehow subconsciously telepathically interconnected, explaining how we function so well as a hive. Or that there is a hidden instinctual language that operates like telepathy at a subconscious level.

I think my Dad is watching me all the time.

I think that some of the people that I know died aren't actually dead.

I worry that I am awaiting a secret Illuminati trial.

I worry that we live in something akin to the matrix.

I think that my spending habits have an unseen influence beyond everyday economics.

I Have Been Feeling Nostalgic About Some Of My More Recent Breakdowns

Some of my more recent breakdowns were somewhat fun in retrospect, until I was lead off to the mental ward. The state of mind I was in was euphoric, everything had meaning, the tiniest of stimuli was a cornucopia of thought and sensation. I could stare at videogame screens with nothing but a simple animation and experience such wonders. It's obviously not healthy and the state of my living quarters was severely in disarray, but I wish I had access to such deepness of experience, my current state is so numb in comparison.

If I were disciplined enough I would try to go back onto oral medication and skip every once and a while, but my experience has been that I would not start taking the meds again when I started going loopy.

It's also numbed my libido somewhat, I remember being so enthralled by erotic imagery and almost being hypnotized, now it's all more of a robotic function.

It's my own natural high I suppose, it would be interesting to live in a controlled environment without meds, my own private living asylum. I was only ever suicidal when dealing with meds after all, so I probably wouldn't really be a harm to myself if I had people to look after me. I suppose being a mad monarch would be comparable. It's too much to ask to be sure, but it is an interesting thought.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Geekdom and Sci-Fi

I find that as an art-form, science-fiction has a lot to say intellectually. Maybe not all sci-fi can claim that it has expanded human knowledge, but some works have offered visions, commentary, and predictions which can be debated.

It still doesn't excuse being overly obsessed with it just because sci-fi is sci-fi and its being geeky. But it is I find a rewarding way to look at the world with new eyes and see perspectives that aren't found in the world today and history.

I wish it didn't have such a bad reputation as being immature, I suppose not all of it can be ground-breaking, there has to be room for shlock.

The European Union As A Prototype

I think European Integration under the E.U. is a good demonstration model on how a global federal state could be created.

I don't know if the E.U. will endure or crumble, but it has done some great pioneering work in making a supranational federation. And I think this is where the future should go when it comes to global governance. I do remember stating that I would like more regional autonomy to create participatory motivation, but there are some matters that would still require global governance, which areas those are exactly is too tricky a question to answer with a simple musing, but dealing with crises areas and situations would be a top thought.

The E.U. defines itself in one way as an institution that secures the peace in Europe by promoting cross-border market integration. I think this would translate globally quite well. It remains to be seen how well the new Eastern member states can be brought up to level of their Western counterparts through E.U. policy and leadership, but just because that might not go so well doesn't mean that an institution such as the E.U. can not be the vessel of such change.

Maybe the U.N. can still be transformed into a global federation.

Speaking Of The Immaturity Of Many People Again

It is a sickness of the first world for sure, but also, since I have been having such thoughts so late in my life I am wondering how much there is to the whole 30 is the new 20 thing.

People appear to be maturing later and sometimes not at all in affluent societies. I wonder if this should be fought in the educational system? I definitely think that the education system needs to be a priority when dealing with the next generation. But immaturity in adulthood, should it be a specific target?

I don't see the harm, we can always use a more a engaged and liberated population.

University Course

I am currently taking a Political Philosophy course at university.

I am definitely seeing the appeal of post-graduate work in a specific area of study. It is obvious that there is so much to cover in this one course that the material covered is not enough for mastery. And it would be great to be a well known commentator with a doctorate in just one sub-category of Political Science and make a name for myself.

This blog is already looking a bit different to me now, lot's of my thoughts were covered by thinkers I am reading about now and I was presenting them as my own thoughts. It is nice to know that there is a great history of likeminded individuals who struggle with the same subjects I do, though I had no doubt there were such people, it is nice to have a guide to the academic world's take on it all.

I am wondering, if I ever become an academic of note, if I will keep this blog as a reminder that I started out with a sloppy Journal of thoughts.

I noticed my blog is bordering on a thousand views, I am also wondering who finds it interesting in it's current state.

I have been thinking that it is a somewhat unprofessional work of musings. But as art at least I think it can be of interest.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Another Strange Night

I am once again considering my life decisions while trying to sleep. Making big plans to become a more serious person from now on.

But knowing the pattern I will probably just fall back into my usual pattern of life choices and not change a thing.

Also the new show "Blunt Talk" with Patrick Stewart has some serious meta game in my head, it's all because Captain Picard was and is such a prominent figure in my life. I would say it makes the show better than it is, so there is an advantage to having a disrupted thought process.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Speaking Of Direct Democracy

The internet would be great to make it work with such a large amount of people.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Might makes Right

I think might only works so far, obviously enforcing the law of land with armed forces and police can work to let an elite rule without support, but if it's more than stable civilization can handle then it can crush a civilization or paralyze it.

Here in the West it's the most minimal amount of force and it works fine in terms of a stable civilization, so it still is an elite supported by might. Which is depressing.

The Greek Polis

Politics should be at the center of life and education like it was when Plato was walking the Earth. Yeah I know, like that's going to happen. Representative Democracy does seem too prone to abuse by those who are elected, especially after time progresses and patterns emerge.

If everyone were involved we couldn't blame anyone but ourselves. I even think Rousseau is right to a point that Representative Democracy is a form of hidden slavery for the masses, especially like now when the elite is so distantly wealthy compared to the general population and holds so much influence.


So I went to Vul-Con (A Star Trek and geekdom convention) this weekend and geeked out. It was fun and all, but I must report that I have been thinking about what Simon Pegg said about geek culture.

The whole immaturity of it all; in a world with so many problems should we really be dedicating so much time to entertainment? I don't like this trend in society, people are more obsessed with what entertainment is on than what is happening in politics and the affairs of humanity. The whole entertainment industry is a kind of propaganda that way; keeping our minds filled with nonsense, keeping us distracted from what is important. Obviously we need a little distraction from reality, but with geeks and nerds it seems to be going too far, and it is becoming more common and chic. Even normal people that don't consider themselves nerds are more likely to binge watch and there is sports. Whether the propaganda-like quality is intentional or not is not really important, I just know that I am feeling guilty for overindulging in my quest for entertainment when I should be nurturing a more mature side of myself, it's difficult to be a decent political activist so far away from the action in the world's power centers, but I would definitely like to be more of a person I can admire.

I should volunteer at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter you know? I am politically aware and active, but not as much as I would like to be.

It's ironic of course that a prominent pop-culture icon like Simon Pegg should come to mind when considering such things, he's kind of biting the hand that feeds him. Well, I like him more now in any case.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015


Why are humans so focused on polarizing debates? It's capitalism vs. socialism, realism vs. idealism, liberalism vs. conservatism, etc.

I wish we were more intent on taking the best of both sides and creating something that works best.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Class of People

This is going to offensive.

I was watching a German movie called "Kriegerin" and there was a scene where some neo-Nazis were watching a Nazi propaganda film showing the virtues of the German as being an animal lover.

There are obviously intelligent and less intelligent people and I would ask if we are so animal friendly how we could treat fellow humans, in my opinion the finest animals, in such horrible ways, even if the Nazis considered them untermenschen? It just seemed extremely stupid. But that's neo-Nazis for you.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Novel Work

I just had a new idea for the ending that is different from the one I had planned. It's a light ending opposed to sad one.

It's cliché I know, but why not be a positive person?

Plato's Republic

Take it a step further, children bred in artificial wombs and raised by the state. Not alien to science fiction.


Wait, what if automation has taken over and people are bred like in the Matrix movies but instead of being birthed into the Matrix they are introduced to a free humanity?

I know it sounds weird, but it might be necessary for the maintenance of the species, if you believe that is a worthy cause. I think it's a cool as hell species, so I support continued existence in this Universe for as long as possible.

Wealthy Lethargic Global Population

Unless the promises of automation eventually turn our society into a civilization of total leisure I see that a wealthy population would have a problem of not being productive enough and multiplying enough to maintain itself. But that doesn't mean we should throw humaneness out the window, there must be a golden balance so that we can have a world without poverty but still have a functioning society.

Dear Dr. Hawking, I hope you don't cause us to miss the automation revolution train with your Terminator future predictions.

Worshipping People

This whole celebrity worship is so weird, but it's been around for a long time, sometimes obviously to a worse extent like emperor worship or living deity spiritual leaders' worship (which is still around).

I do like some prominent people myself, but I like to think of them as human like me. I think the worst thing I have is that I like some famous hotties and think too much about them. Television and movies do present some of these people in such favorable light that it's hard to resist the urge to think of them as more than just people.

I had my picture taken once with a couple of celebrities, but I didn't get butterflies in my stomach, it was pretty much normal. I guess that is a good sign that I am not totally sheepish.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

My National Identity

I have touched on this a little before, but I am realizing that I am legally Canadian but I am actually an Austrian-German. I have neither the Austrian or German citizenship, but when I cheer I don't really cheer for Canada. I like watching movies and TV from back home and speak German fluently since I partially grew up in Vienna. Also, my blood is Austrian-German, I struggle with Holocaust guilt and not with Canadian guilt. Memorial day has always been weird for me because my relatives all fought on the side opposed to Canada and it's allies. I just feel this way, it's not really something I chose, it just developed on it's own as I grew up. I can't really pinpoint what caused me to favor my blood's identity, one thing I have thought about is that America is all stolen land and I don't really belong here, but that isn't the only factor, there's also the fond memories of growing up in Vienna, it probably also has subconscious dimensions I don't know about and there is the bro thing I mentioned earlier.

It is a stupid situation because I now reside in Canada and am kinda stuck here for various reasons.



You know what should be tried if it were possible?

A government that was in support of all sorts of human rights except the right to choose a stupid backwards government. That would have prevented the Nazis from getting elected right?

So far non democratic governments have generally been awful, but what if it were a really good government with constitutional laws that institute not only positive social policy but the kinds of freedoms we find in the most developed nations.

I think China has potential to become a country that operates like this, if it lost it's nasty human rights record it could be a really nice place to live even if you can only vote for one party. Making a perfect set of laws to prevent corruption is obviously a tall task and having no way to change it in the future does pose problems of adjusting to new societal conventions as they appear, but I think such a country would possibly not have enough of a critical populace to support a revolution. China does have problems currently with rewinding on socialist policy, becoming more capitalist, and it still has a large amount of poor rural people, so it wouldn't be perfect in it's current form.

I am not anti-democratic in principle, but I do think that certain policies are inherently right and shouldn't really be up for debate. I think maybe a hybrid would be good, having democratic referendums when it comes to non-fundamental policy. This is ideally how a constitution should operate, but we have seen that in nation's current forms constitutional laws can be eroded, or in the case of the Nazis completely eliminated.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Art and Business

I don't think I am a very good businessman, I do art that I like, I don't go for mass appeal.

I like it, there are surely other people who have the same tastes as I do, it would be almost impossible for me to be unique in that regard.

I don't hate corporate art, I enjoy blockbusters and triple-A videogames, I don't even think they are worth less artistically, though attributing so much credit to single creators seems illogical since they are all team creations.

I wonder if I will ever sell any of my works? I am kind of jealous of all these business artists.

Monday, May 25, 2015


I am also thinking that socialism is the most advanced way of looking at politics, everything else sort of holds high the state of nature in some way, "survival of the fittest" and all that stuff.

I think we should be capable of being more than just animals fighting for our daily lives.

Edit: Every human life is valuable, and while I am at it, I don't think a fetus qualifies. We don't even treat children like real people in many ways. Denying the right to abortion is also giving a fetus rights over the destiny of a mother and her circles, which is backwards and denying the basic human right of choice to a person.

Edit: What are we, animals or humans?

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Ideas For My Novel

I had several good ideas in the middle of the night while sleeping at a friend's place for my novel and jotted them down on my smartphone.

I love my smartphone.

I had what I think is a good idea for the end and some concepts I'd like to work into the story.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

To Be Fair

I did actually once try to commit suicide over 10 years ago, I botched it (obviously), but it was a serious attempt. As stated, I don't want to put anyone through that and it was the one time, a momentary lapse of judgment.

So, sorry for having a moment of weakness, like I said I am generally pretty tough.

I Would Have Enjoyed Being A Politician

It's just with all this sleeping I don't see myself doing the work. When I was eighteen I wanted to be a Politician, so I started college with the intent of getting a Political Science degree and using it to go on to law school, but life didn't hand me those cards.

Stupid disability, I am so grateful that I get social assistance to make ends meet. At least I can still enjoy life.

This medication induced sleeping is more suited to the life of an artist, I am not saying artists are lazy, but, depending on what kind, they can often keep odd hours.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

I Am Maybe Adjusting To My Meds

I have been feeling a bit more energetic lately. I even started writing a novel.

I am officially a artist, I have decided.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Why I Keep Deleting Blogs

Thoughts, opinions and personalities change. I usually start thinking that the blog doesn't represent me anymore, I am too fluidic a being.

I think it's a problem with all art, it reflects creators at the time they made the art.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Large Democracies

The vote is marginalized with large democracies, which is disillusioning for the individual voter.

City states would be ideal to create more voter motivation.

I am not saying that there should be no global governance at all, but a lot of policy areas should be the responsibility of metropolitan areas.

Friday, January 30, 2015

40k And Starship Troopers

Nazis without human racism and such, it's an interesting idea for sure.

If faced with Alien threats would we become some sort of Nazi society where the idea is to live to fight.

I wonder what kind of soldier I would have been if I had chosen that lifestyle, I just think killing other humans is bad karma and counterproductive. But the arachnids? I am a Trekkie so I hope that we could live in peace, but if faced with a ruthless enemy bent on our destruction I think I would choose to fight.

Even if they are Nazis, it's a nice idea that all of humanity could unite and put differences aside.

Though a democratic uniting would be ideal of course.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Once Beauty Fades

I wonder what kind of old person I will be?

I hope I won't be a grumpy old man, that would totally blow chunks.

I did live with my Grandma when I was a young man and enjoyed it, so I hope that is indicative of things to come.

Then again she always spoiled me with food and cleaned the place.

Ok, now I feel like an ass.

Humans Need Redesigning


I don't like them the way they are, I think some tinkering is in order.

Maybe it's good I suck at school and have no power huh?

I Am A Trekkie So...

I appreciate the art of masks I think. Having said that, a few actors lately look awfully familiar as of late. I am not dropping names. But it's freaking me out. It's people I know.

Ok, one name drop.

Ian McKellen looks like Patrick Stewart with a heavy mask. Funny seeing all those pictures of them hanging out on Facebook.

I know, I am obviously insane, I never denied that. Also, you could disagree with me on the Ian/Patrick thing.

The League Of Scientists

I just hope they rule the world and they don't hate.


Where is all this clean water coming from? I feel like something bad is coming.

I wish I had a superior view of water infrastructure using a video game, because it needs to be explained.

Holocaust Denial

Ok, now I am just denying everything, I know it's a societal faux-pas of the nth degree to deny the Holocaust. But how can people be so fucking cruel. It's not just the Holocaust, I can't even believe war exists and machines of war.

Maybe people turn into zombies when they don't get fed. I am not trying to be smug, but I wouldn't know what that is like.


Why do I keep thinking nukes are fake and a bluff?


I needed those to commit civilizational seppuku.

I'm taking all you fuckers with me.

More About Freedom Of Speech And Expression

I guess common sense is needed, lest we wind up with a messy society.

Most people seem to understand this and behave themselves though.

Pilot Envy

Ok being a jet fighter pilot would be so awesome. I love watching stunts and maneuvers on YouTube.

I made some wrong career decisions when I was young.

I love just flying in passenger jets, the take-off is so fun.

If there is an afterlife where I can do whatever I want, I will definitely fly a jet fighter. The g-forces man, the g-forces!

Wait a second, whatever I want? Ok, that actually makes things too complicated, where to begin?


I like being tough, I keep on going despite all that assails me. I could adopt it as a creed for sure, I am damned tough, it makes me proud somehow.

I whine a bit in this blog, true. But overall I keep on going, I don't want to hurt those close to me by ending my life, so toughness it is.

I barely blub and I am living alone for two years now, I don't have that much hope that things will get better, so I keep my game face on and grin at death like a maniac.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I Am Jealous Of The Religious

Seriously, it would be nice to know for sure that there is a meaning to all of this and that life doesn't just end after a short time.

I wish I could experience that, it's like I am a mutant. I will continue to pray anyways hoping for revelation.

More About Mind Control

MKUltra is always in the back of my head, when I was a slave to my paranoia I often fancied that I went on missions under control of intelligence agencies.

Like I said, it is still in the back of my head a lot. It's not totally unreasonable to think that this kind of technology does exist, after all research on mind control has been done since the 1950s to my knowledge.

It once again made me feel relevant and important, now I am just a nut.

Being just a nut sucks.

The Creative Juices

This stupid medication, I am feeling a lot less creative on them. I used to enjoy writing and doing photography but now I just never think of anything to do, the motivation is gone.

I've turned into a media hermit, just watching shows and movies and reading most of the time.

I wonder if other people with schizophrenia feel like this on their meds, the paranoia helped bring a sense of importance to my work and so the show had to go on.

Now I am just critical of my works, they don't bring me as much joy as they did when I was skipping pills.

I want my life to have meaning and I am finding less of it as time goes on.

I think religion is a sign that there is mass psychosis rampant in the populace, their insane minds giving meaning to their lives as they toil endlessly for gods that do not show themselves or exist at all.

The world wouldn't work if we were all treated for psychosis though. Humanity would sleep it's existence away like me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

My New Keyboard

Playing the keyboard is helping calm down my thoughts, I can't really play anything yet, but I can still play some spontaneous compositions that are nice to my ear.

I wish I had found out about this before. But as the title says, it's new.

I like that I can doodle with it so easily, that would be more difficult with a different instrument I feel.

Thanks Dad.

I Hope This Still Makes Sense Later On

Right now I am thinking that the digital revolution was the catalyst for a social catastrophe. Amongst quite a few thoughts.

And see? That doesn't work if we have a bandwidth problem like I mentioned in an earlier post.

It's like any dumb idea that pops into my head is amazingly relevant, I have to struggle to maintain my zen.

If only alcohol and marijuana calmed me like they did when I was younger. Those don't even work anymore and according to my Psychiatrist only negate the meds.

Fluidic Paranoia

I am having a terrible night, my thoughts are not what they were in the morning. I was hoping to kill paranoia with sleep like I have been doing when this happens over the last two years, but I can't calm down enough to fall asleep.

Like I have described in one of my previous blogs it's notably wacky because the theories change and conflict with each other but seem very real at the time they happen and are very loud in my head.

Once the thoughts start repeatedly conflicting I start trying to dismiss them, but it is very difficult to blot out the noise.

I am lucky that I can at least identify it as a thought disorder, some are not so lucky and become slaves to their paranoia. That has happened to me in the past but not since I started with the injections.

The most dominant theme is that I am feeling increasingly watched or observed in some way. It's making me anxious so I can't sleep.

I Was An Extremely Jealous Boyfriend

I feel really bad about it, I wonder if my medication might affect this if I ever have another chance.

I actually dislike jealous asshole boyfriends.

I only have to put up with myself for a finite amount of time as far as I can tell. Though at least my base psychology isn't fucked up enough to really go for hating myself.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

My New Religion Status On Facebook

I wrote into the field "Agnostic that prays anyways". I do pray to Norse gods. That makes me super weird I think, they aren't exactly popular anymore unless they are marvel comic book movie heroes.

I had "Asatru" on there for a few days because just having "Agnostic" was not entirely correct anymore. I was thinking of meeting up with some Asatru in Calgary but decided against it since I do agree with Bill Maher that all religions are dangerous and stupid. I don't want to offend all religious people with this, but it does draw lines between groups of people. Which is funny because Jesus, who I consider a great philosopher, wanted all people living in universal brother/sisterhood, then people draw lines using his name.

I guess a few prayers don't constitute being religious or spiritual so I feel exempt from being labelled as some sort of nut.

Faith is kind of nutty from a scientific view. Though I won't deny that it has spawned some good codes of conduct.

I Am Not In Telecommunications

We really have that much bandwidth? It's always been baffling to me. Then again I failed a network engineering course.

But my ignorance makes my internet access and smartphone seem like unlikely luxuries.

The Attacks In France

The attack on Charlie Hebdo and the other attacks are of course deplorable. I grew up with freedom of speech and expression being ingrained, and analyzing those as I get older I still agree with them.

I would argue that there is still a crusade going on, but we in the west nonetheless do business with places like Saudi Arabia.

There are people in the west saying that it serves Charlie Hebdo right for being insensitive to Muslim views and there is widespread support amongst Muslims for the attacks. I completely disagree with any justification, I do believe that the values we have are the right ones and not just a point of view.

But what to do to change the minds of these people? The monocultural behemoth seems like a good tool, I wonder if it will prevail in the long run. I don't like that as an answer since lot's of the monocultrual export is shallow and corporatist. But beyond just doing more militarily it seems like one of the most peaceful answers, so it has that going for it. There is also increasing the global standard of living, but some argue it isn't as simple as that. I would argue that well fed happy people overall don't go on terrorist sprees and crusades but what do I know?

Besides even with all of NATO and some others like Japan and Russia (I know Russia is currently on bad terms) it seems to be militarily impossible to control the areas that have backwards views and enforce enlightened views.

I wonder if we will ever see a major human rights shift in places like China or Saudi Arabia in the next decades? We brought McDonalds and Hollywood movies to China and they are still nasty.

I know!
Mind control their leaders using our intelligence agencies and awesome technology and subvert them that way.

Besides the paranoid part of my thought process thinks that there is something else going on anyway and this is all just part of some fake projection of the way the world works.

Regarding A Previous Post About Defining Myself Using My Illness

I am a student again, so I can now say something else than just "I am disabled" when people ask.

I am kind of studying for the pursuit of knowledge without much of a final goal in place. Which helps since there is no guarantee of a degree since I am not historically a straight A student.

I would prefer if I wound up with some credentials though.

Been Having Paranoid/Pronoid Thoughts

It's not as omnipresent as when I have a breakdown, nor does it really affect my behavior so it shouldn't lead to hospitalization.

But still I have had these thoughts of being somehow special, having more power than I know about.

I also believe in a hidden order of governance, masked by a matrix of media obfuscation.

Age, as I mentioned in a previous blog that I deleted is also a factor, being in line with traditions that the elders have the say. I have been fancying the thought that there is an initiation when you reach a certain age.

But there is the negative stuff too, like I am some sort of international joke.

It definitely makes my thought process more interesting in any case, to be positive. I hate it when my mind goes blank, I really enjoy thinking.

I wouldn't want to take more drugs and totally numb my brain, I hope I can deal with all this.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

I Wish Someone Would Offer Me A Huge Amount Of Money

And ask me to do something immoral to get it.

So I can turn them down.

There are different levels of immoral...

I could donate the money for a good cause I suppose, if it isn't too terrible.

I just really want to stick it to someone with too much wealth, I personally think there should be a wealth cap anyways.

With poverty still being a problem there shouldn't be people flaunting private jets and such things.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Weird Dream

I had the most intimidating dream ever, it dealt with gods, the afterlife, psychopaths, superhuman intelligence, supercomputers, industrial futuristic human mutilation for entertainment purposes, my sister being attacked by a psychopath with industrial tools, EMS being too slow to arrive and their line being busy, me heroically killing the psychopath and cutting his head off with a circle saw, cops with special fluids in diapers, me with special fluids in diapers, over coddling, a magical treehouse pirate ship, going down the highway in said pirate ship treehouse, smartphones, passports and things I'd rather not mention. When I woke up all I could think was that being a superior A.I. would be awful and had a new appreciation for the simplicity of my life.

I turned on the PC with the intention of washing away the flood of negative thoughts and was greeted by my wallpaper of a pink haired manga girl smiling and holding up a couple of cherries. This image made me appreciate using the female form to negate negative thoughts.

I even started fearing death a little less, it is truly the most disgusting dream I have had in recent memory.